It's the most wonderful time of the year!

It's almost time for N's second Christmas. I am excited for him to open his presents but honestly, we could have just wrapped a bunch of boxes filled with tissue paper and he'd have two of his favorite things, paper and boxes. Wow, does this kid love paper. His eyes light up when he sees a napkin, a paper towel, a pile of newspapers, a roll of toilet paper, you name it. You rip any paper you get into shreds.

So far I have purchased for him a Tag Jr. (Scout) (because he got some Tag Jr books for his birthday but had no Tag Jr), a Hallmark recordable book (hoping to make that an annual tradition, this is year 2!), a bunch of musical instruments AKA a baby band, a wearable blanket and a pack of Onesies (wow, cool, Mom, buying CLOTHES for Christmas...hee hee). I really wanted to get a toy box but I think I waited too long.

Happy First Birthday!

What a bittersweet day. I now have a one-year-old! I will update with his latest milestones. He took a few steps on Friday (11/16) but is not walking steadily yet, which is just fine! He has six teeth now, four up top and two down the bottom. He got all the top ones in October. Busy month!

One less than exciting new thing he is doing is throwing tantrums. S calls it flopping like a fish but N will just throw his head back and flop back wherever he is. He doesn't care if there is only a hard floor underneath him or worse, a table behind him. I keep having to do diving catches so he doesn't injure himself.

We had his party on the 11th, a bit early. He was so cute with his cake. He took polite tentative little swipes of icing and then finally grabbed a fistful and went to town. We had a rubber ducky theme; everything was aqua and yellow. He got a lot of nice gifts and a good chunk of money which I deposited right into his savings account. I joked how he has almost as much money at a year old as I did at 18 years old! I'm really not joking though. I only had about $300 and he has over $250!

Here is a letter I wrote to my wonderful baby on his first birthday:

My precious son, I can hardly believe you are a year old already. This was quite possibly the fastest year of my life. I long awaited the day I'd become a mother and now that I have a year under my belt, the experience has not disappointed; in fact, it has far exceeded any ideas I had about the experience. It has been challenging at times, of course, but mostly it has been amazing and so rewarding. Going from holding an innocent helpless newborn to watching a little boy zooming around a room and hearing him "talk" and watching him learn is such a rewarding journey.

You love music. I find you dancing (bouncing) along to songs. And you seem to be drawn to books the same way I am. I hope you will discover the joy of getting lost in a book; it is one of my favorite pastimes. You love to laugh. I like to be silly with you, bouncing things on my head or picking things up with my toes; you think I'm hilarious. Your giggles are the sweetest sound I've ever heard, okay, maybe second to hearing your cry for the first time, which brought a feeling of such relief that you were finally here and going to be just fine! I went through so much to bring you into this world and I would do it all over again a million times to ensure your safe arrival. Your birth went quite differently than I planned. I pictured welcoming you into the world either in water or on our bed. Instead you were born in a cold operating room. It didn't matter to me that day; I just wanted you to be OK. It took months for the grief to hit me, to realize how grieved I was, to see how "sterile" and "cold" your entrance into the world was when I wanted it to be warm and real. You seem completely unaffected by it, and for that, I'm so grateful. I am sorry I couldn't have your entrance be a more peaceful one; I'm sorry every day. But you're good, so good. And I'm doing all right. Your father has had to hold me many a night while I sobbed for what I missed. I will not call the birth horrible though; it brought you to me and there is nothing horrible about that. You are my sunshine.

It appears I am your favorite person in the world and wow, does that feel good. You are definitely a Mama's boy. You are so handsome; I finally see your daddy in your face. When your eyes are closed or when I see you from the side profile that is when I see your daddy. You sure shocked us by having blue eyes! They are such a beautiful blue. I have always loved blue eyes but never imagined I'd have a blue-eyed child. You are full of surprises. You are so smart and determined. You do not let obstacles stop you from getting what you want; I've been told I am raising a strong-willed child. And I do not disagree. But you are so sweet. You love to cuddle. You love to find your way onto my lap as you've found your way into my heart.

Leaving you when I had to return to work was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart behind. Watching your little personality develop at school and seeing how much you learn and how you are making friends helps ease that for me. I know it is good for you to have your independence. We get lots of quality time together on the weekends and evenings. And it is important for you to have strong role models in your life and I hope I am that for you as I balance motherhood (my most important job!) with my career.

I took your picture quite often. I took monthly pictures with stickers for your Onesies and then almost every Saturday I took a weekly picture. Wow, was that a challenge by the end of your first year. You did not want to sit still for even 10 seconds. I think we did a good job capturing most of your milestones on film. I will enjoy looking back at these pictures in the years to come and I hope you enjoy them too. It is sweet to see you go from lying to sitting to standing, from being toothless to having six teeth, to having a good amount of hair to having tons of hair (we say that you are "blessed in the hair department").

I have to be careful not to dwell on missing the newborn days. They were special, getting to know you, being so proud that this adorable boy was mine, watching your dreamy smiles and your milky smiles, holding you close. But now you are just this awesome little person who makes me laugh every day. I have so many hopes and dreams for your future but most of all I just want you to know how much you are loved. You've brought so much joy to our lives; we will never be the same!

With all my love,
 Mama

Birthday month has arrived!

This is going to be a big month! Our baby boy N is turning one! I am pretty sure this was the quickest year of my life. Each day for the last few weeks I think, "Last year on this day I..." On October 1, I was remembering my baby shower. Columbus Day weekend we were back down the shore where last year on that weekend I realized I'd no longer just be an aunt to children (was with my nephews and niece) but that soon (the next time I saw them) I'd be somebody else's mom! (I was actually teary-eyed leaving the shore last year.) October 11 was the one-year anniversary of my last day of work and October 12 was the one-year anniversary of the start of my maternity leave. Then on our fourth wedding anniversary I recalled our last anniversary, our third, where I had contractions ALL THROUGH DINNER. I thought the baby was coming soon! Ha, he showed me. I went into labor exactly one month after our anniversary. Now that November is here I am just blown away. I don't have a baby anymore. I have a little boy! He is so sweet. He continues to be a snuggler and a real Mama's boy. I am his favorite person in the world, as it should be. He has some separation anxiety when I drop him off in the morning but I discovered if I put him right into a high chair with his buddy G and he gets to start eating breakfast (bagels or pancakes or biscuits, etc.) he just watches me leave with no tears. Whew! It was really hard leaving before that because he'd come crying and crawling after me and that image would be stuck in my head the rest of the day and I'd feel so guilty. Meanwhile, he'd be fine in a minute or two. G's mom sent me a text one day to tell me she saw him smiling on her way out, which was probably a minute after I left so I know the tears don't last long, but it's hard for my heart to understand that. It is so much easier to leave when he has this, "Bye, Mom, I've got G and breakfast" look on his face. Speaking of G, N had his first playdate with G on 10/20 at G's house. They were cute together, of course both wanting the toy the other one has at all times. I heard a funny story about N at school too. Awhile back I heard that G taught N to go around to the cribs and bang on them to wake the sleeping babies! Ha ha! Well, one day a new teacher told me how G and N (11 days apart) are "two peas in a pod." She said G fell asleep and N went and sat beside his crib for awhile and then started banging on it (guess he wanted his buddy to play!). How cute is that? He is not walking but he seems like he could if he wanted to. He can freely stand without holding on but he usually quickly drops to a crawl or holds on to a chair or table or whatever is available. I thought he'd be walking by now because he's been cruising for months but I know he'll be even harder to keep up with once he does. We are planning his party for 11/11, eight days early but that is just how the scheduling worked out. I don't quite feel prepared enough. I am guessing we have about 35-40 people at this point but I don't have a final count yet. For his birthday we got him the cutest little chair and ottoman that pretty closely matches our living room furniture. He has already seen it and he mostly uses it as a stepping stool to get to the end table and to grab whatever is on there. He continues to be fascinated by paper products. He LOVES to grab a circular, napkin, power towel, piece of paper, etc. and just rip it to shreds. I catch him trying to eat it too. All things must be tasted! Then when it comes to real food he often throws it. I was having a somewhat rough time trying to get him to eat meat. He would just toss it without even tasting it. Tonight his dad handed him a piece of lamb from his gyro and to my surprise and delight (even though I do not eat lamb or veal for that matter) N chowed down on the lamb. Then I gave him some of my pot roast (we were at a diner) and he ate that too. This was just minutes after throwing a hard-boiled egg and a peach slice. Meat is what is important at this age anyway so I'm very happy. For Halloween he dressed up as a monster. He got quite a lot of mileage out of his costume. Hurricane Sandy whipped through here Monday and trick-or-treating was postponed in our area on Wednesday so we went tonight. But he got to wear his costume to Boo at the Zoo last Saturday (his second trip to zoo!) and to daycare on Wednesday. We took him to my parents' on Sunday and to my MIL's tonight in costume as well. He looked quite adorable. And coincidentally G's mom bought him the same costume so they matched at school! He is working on tooth #5 and I think tooth #6 right now. It is really hard to get in there to see! Hubby texted me the other day that he had five teeth and I was surprised! I hadn't seen it just the day before. They take awhile to get all the way in though that is for sure. He started blowing raspberries again yesterday; they are quite amusing to me because I can't do one to save my life! I don't remember when but he stopped growling some months back; that was funny too! My boy sure makes me laugh...and smile.

Time is flying!

I am so sad how I have nearly abandoned this blog. I think about it and I make mental notes of what to post but then finding the time to actually do so is another matter! We now have a 10.5-month-old little guy. He is getting into everything. He cruises along the furniture, stands up in his crib, pulls up on everything (even people's legs and has been known to nearly de-pants his teacher). He hasn't taken his first steps yet but that is OK with Mama! He is working on the upper two teeth. The lower two came in late July/early August. His newest word is "bear" as in "Mama Bear." S calls me "Bear" as a nickname and N has taken to copying his dada. So S yells, "Bear" and N follows with "Ahhhr." He misses the 'b' which is funny beause the first sound I heard him make was a 'b' sound at a young age. He is such a joy. He has a bit of a cold right now so he's extra cuddly. I walked into his classroom yesterday to find him curled up against his teacher with his blanket. She said she had been feeding another baby and N went to his crib, pulled his blanket through the slats, and went and sat at her feet and cried until she picked him up. He even brought the blanket home with him! He would not let go. Today he ate a piece of a deposit slip. I don't think I'm in the running for mom of the year but that is OK. In addition to paper (deposit slips, napkins, paper towels, advertisements, mail, etc.), he also loves electrical cords and anything else he should not be touching. He loves to pull all the CDs off the shelf and bang things very loudly on the floor. He waves hi and bye quite often now. He used to just move his whole arm up and down. Now he does more of the finger bending, you know? It is so cute; some days when I pick him up he will wave at me with both hands and then make a beeline crawling to me (head down, all very serious). It cracks me up and melts my heart. He has a posse at school now; he and two other babies (one 11 days older) move in a pack and get into everything. They make me laugh. We are going to have a playdate with the one 11 days older than him later this month. He was over 22 pounds at his last check-up. What a big boy! He is doing much better with table food now and solids in general, probably as of August. He just wasn't all that interested before. In early September he had a reaction to peanut butter. He tasted a tiny smidgen; he loves to grab whatever I'm eating and have a taste too. He broke out in hives on his nose, mouth, and neck. I was so scared! The on-call doctor suggested he was OK if he wasn't acting uncomfortable and if his breathing was OK and sure enough, he was OK. He loves the water. We went swimming three times this year and two of the times he fell asleep! He must find it very relaxing! He was not very fond of the ocean though; it was very rough the one day we went. We are planning his first birthday party, which is going to have a rubber ducky theme. The invitations are being designed and are almost ready. I cannot wait! We rented a community room near us and I'm looking forward to it very much, although not looking forward to my baby being grown. The first year is just so amazing!

We have a crawler!

It's amazing when I look back at these last 7.5 months from a tiny helpless baby to a crawling boy who is getting into everything! On June 30th N crawled on our bed but on the floor still just did his rocking on hands and knees. And then on the evening of July 1st he was in the living room and spotted me doing laundry. He was crying for me and I was planning on getting him very soon but was just trying to switch a load of laundry before putting him to bed. Well, I guess he got tired of waiting for me. "Mamamama," he cried and started crawling towards me. S saw him coming and alerted me. We were both amazed. I am pleased he is developing so quickly and well, sad the days of my little baby are gone, and nervous I won't be able to keep him safe! He does well in his Pack n Play playing with his toys. It's so funny because it looks like he's talking to them. Upstairs if we're both busy up there we'll (most likely my husband will) put him in the crib with some toys for awhile and he'll play up there as well. He also loves to sit in his Bumbo and watch a little movie on my Kindle Fire via Netflix streaming. I don't do that often. On Fourth of July my aunt told me about a little snack for babies called Mum-Mums that her day care charges like so we bought those for him on Saturday. I gave him one on Sunday. He took a bite and put the re!st in his toy bin. Ha ha! But then I gave him another one later and he ate almost the whole thing. He had some yesterday and today at day care too and loved them according to his teacher. She keeps telling me how he is not interested in his rice cereal. I just want to say, "See?" I did not want to give it to him but finally caved to the pressure. I want to do baby led weaning and rice cereal is decidedly not BLW but I was worried about him there all day barely eating. We stayed home Monday because I was sick again. Sigh. I threw up in the morning and felt nauseous so I stayed home. The Monday before I had to pick him up in the afternoon for throwing up (which I really think was nothing). I'm really using up my days which makes me nervous! I forget when this started but he growls. It is so funny. His teacher told me about it but he'd already been doing it awhile. He also is "talking" more and more, making noises that sound like words. Yesterday it sounded like he said, "Hey, you." S and I were cracking up!

Seven months!

Our little dude is now seven months (and one week) old! I wanted to take some time to update. Before I do that though I need to update with his six-month stats that we got on 5/30 at his six-month check-up. He is 19 pounds, 9 ounces, and 27 3/4" tall and his head circumference is 17". So he still has an average size head but is very tall and heavy for his age. Everyone says he looks like he is one year old already! He is going to be crawling any day now, although I feel like I've been saying that well over a week now. I think he can crawl but he just doesn't know it yet. From a seated position he'll reach for something and then he'll be on all fours. He kind of goes backwards or he'll just flop on his belly or he'll go back to a seated position. He gets all over though for not being able to crawl. He is an incredibly happy boy. He smiles a lot, laughs all the time, and is just very pleasant for the most part (until he gets tired but things around are too busy for him to fall asleep!). This past month was a big one for us! We moved him to his crib on June 7. The first night was pretty bad. I had a feeling it would be since every time I just put him in his crib for fun (it had been assembled for a bit) he would scream. So the first night he only lasted three hours. The next night was six. And then the next night was nine! Yippee! We also transitioned him to convertible car seats in June. For my husband's car we put my nephew's in on June 10. And then the following Sunday (June 17) he installed mine (a new True Fit from the First Years). He looks adorable in there. I do feel bad when he falls asleep and his head bobs all over. It is slightly reclined but he doesn't seem to know that. Ha ha. He says "ma ma ma" but I don't think it means "Mommy" although my husband insists it does. It is his hunger cry. He reaches for me and says it when he is hungry. Poor little N was sick again last week. On Wednesday I got a call around 4:15 saying he had a 102.3-degree fever and I had to come pick him up. I stayed with him on Thursday and S stayed with him on Friday and my mom came over Friday afternoon to sit with N for a bit since S had a conference call. I'm sure my mom was thrilled. N is like their first grandchild all over again! He is the only one they get to see on a regular basis (weekly at least). Anyway N did not want to sleep in his crib when he was sick. He would turn into a koala and just cling to my arm and not let go. We did let him sleep in our bed a few nights. I still kind of wish we did that all the time but I have to admit he and I both sleep better in our beds. He sleeps through the night often in his crib. Last night he slept nearly 11 hours straight! We started BLW on May 27. Avocado was the first food. He also eats rice cereal mixed with breast milk and baby yogurt at school every day. He is OK when I get there at lunch but when I get there after work he still seems ravenous. He still loves to nurse! I don't think he is really consuming much "real" food except the yogurt he eats at school. He loves to suck on lemons, little nut. He grabs them from our glasses and sucks on them. The ensuing faces are quite hilarious! He has also tried asparagus (same face as lemons), steak, applesauce, rice cakes, carrots, broccoli, snap peas (is that what they're called?), and I'm not sure what else. He mostly likes to lick stuff which I guess is all part of it. He is drinking better from a cup now. He still never took to a bottle. I do ask them to keep trying at school. I don't think it's good he goes that long. Then all evening I'm nursing him, which is fine but I feel like I can't go anywhere or get anything done. This will not last forever though and I do enjoy nursing him. I have to say though I think I'll be more vigilant with giving any future babies a bottle more regularly. I do not know if it would have made a difference with N or not because he did take one and then just stop. Speaking of future children I am still not fertile again. My LMP was 1/30/11. It feels weird to say that on 6/26/12!

Sick again!

Ugh! I just posted about sicknesses and then I got hit with another! When I picked up our baby on Wednesday there was a 10-month-old who was vomiting. A few hours later I got nauseous and two hours after that I was vomiting. It went on for awhile (1:00 a.m., then 9:00 a.m., 10:00 a.m., etc.). I was really scared I was going to be dehydrated! My milk supply had already taken a hit from being sick the week before. I called the doctor's office to ask about what I should do and the receptionist said the doctor would want to see me. Ugh. I did not know how I'd make it there without vomiting but I did. She gave me a 1:30 appointment and up until that point I couldn't keep anything down. I'd try to run my tongue over my teeth and it wouldn't even glide; it just got stuck. My lips felt really dry too. I was still vomiting when the doctor came in. She told me something was going around (forget what it was called) and that the vomiting should stop in a few hours. But she said if I didn't start keeping fluids down and start urinating I'd need to go to the ER for fluids. She prescribed me Zofran and I went to the pharmacy to pick it up and I got some fruit bars while I was there. I took the Zofran and ate a fruit bar and to my surprise it stayed down. I tried drinking some Gatorade too and that stayed down. I did not throw up again after that! I started feeling better and better so I did not have to go to the ER. Whew! I was afraid of how much that would cost but of course if I needed to I would have. The little dude was so cute tonight! We went out to eat and we put him in a high chair with a high chair/shopping cart cover my sister lent to me. Oh, he thought he was big stuff! So cute. He was just grinning and grinning. First he tried to eat his kids' menu. It was so funny because the waiter was asking us if he wanted apple juice or a kid's meal and he hasn't even had any solid food yet. He was very good! This was his third time in a high chair at a restaurant. When we went out for brother-in-law's birthday and again for Mother's Day dinner with mother-in-law we did the same thing.

Six months...and sicknesses.

It's been so long since I posted! I just have no time anymore. Life is good, just very very busy. It's rushing out the door with baby in car seat, pump and pump parts, changes of clothes and bottles for him, dropping him at day care, getting to work, pumping, running back at lunch to nurse, pumping again, picking him up, nursing, nursing, nursing, washing bottles, putting him to bed, and starting all over again. His sleep is not great right now. Some nights he'll sleep all night and then other nights he wakes several times. He just nurses and goes right back to sleep except a few times when he was sick (more on that in a bit). My little guy is continuing to learn and grow and delight us in every way. He is doing well at day care. In fact, I had my first parent-teacher conference yesterday. He is doing well in every area except self-feeding (ha! he hasn't had regular food yet and he still hates bottles so of course he is not going to feed himself a bottle). He sits very well now for long periods of time. He rolls over occasionally. When he first learned both ways he did it once and that was it. Now he is doing it more. He loves his Exersaucer and sitting his Bumbo seat next to a basket of toys. He pulls them out one by one and plays with each for a bit and then when the toys are gone he wails. He is so cute. He is a very happy baby. In the day care I notice many of the babies are very serious. Not my boy! He grins at everyone. He is definitely my son! I'm such a smiler! He got pinkeye on Friday night, April 20. We called the doctor Saturday morning when it was obvious what it was and they had us come in. He started an antibiotic eye drop and his eye started clearing up right away. I did stay home with him that Monday. Two weeks after the first time his eye started oozing green. I thought it was pinkeye again but wasn't sure so I called the doctor on call (not his normal doctor). She said it sounded like pinkeye and to start the drops again. Well, his eyes got worse instead of better. I wound up staying home with him that Monday as well. I called the doctor to say it was getting worse instead of better and they asked me to bring him in. It was already late in the day so I made an appointment for Tuesday and my husband stayed home with him Tuesday and took him to the doctor. This time he was prescribed oral amoxicillin (the pink bubblegum-flavored stuff) which he needed to take twice a day for a week for a bacterial infection. It was horrible trying to get that stuff into him! He would cry like he was being tortured, gargle it, spit half of it back out, you name it. He was starting to do better and then on Monday (the 14th) I got sick with sinusitis. I went to the doctor Wednesday and took him with me just so she could look at him but she said he was fine and there was nothing we could do for his cough (we both had terrible coughs!). I got my own prescription for amoxicillin and within a day I started feeling better, at least from the sinus pain/pressure. The cough hung around for days. The day after I went to the doctor I noticed a gooey discharge coming from his ear when I picked him up at day care. I asked the teacher who was there if she noticed it (it had not been there at lunch time)and she said she did not notice it. It ran all night but he seemed happy and not in any pain. I asked my husband if he thought he was having an ear infection but he thought if he was it would be hurting the baby and he was fine. So against my better judgment I took him to day care. I felt like I couldn't miss any more work as I missed Tuesday & Wednesday of that week. Well, I got a call sometime between 10:00 and 10:30 from the day care telling me about the discharge and I asked if I should come get him or call the doctor or what. They said to call the doctor and call back. Well, of course they said to bring him in. I called my husband and asked him to take him in. Not long after I got an earache that I just couldn't ignore! I wound up leaving work not long after and met my husband and son at home. And I got the news that our baby had a burst eardrum! Poor little guy. So he got more antibiotics, azithromycin, 4 mL one day and then 2 mL the next four days so he finished that yesterday. Through it all he has had a nasty cough and a runny nose. I feel bad for him! He is in pretty good spirits though; you wouldn't really know he is sick. It's just been one thing after another. In other news his high chair is all assembled and we are getting ready to start him on solids! We are planning to do baby-led weaning which is letting the baby feed him/herself, no purees, no shoved spoons, etc. We have avocado and some broccoli which I'll steam. Of course we'll wait four days in between new foods in case there is an allergic reaction. I wanted to start tonight but my hubby can't find the cord for the video camera and it needs to be charged. I don't want to miss this moment on film! Well, I'm going to get back to American Idol! I should go to bed but I have to know who won. :)

Five months! Don't blink...

Five months have gone by in the blink of an eye! There are so many firsts. Little man is now sitting up on his own! He doesn't last terribly long but he's doing it without assistance. He also started day care two weeks ago. I left him there on Thursday, April 5, and Friday, April 6. I SOBBED after leaving him on Thursday. I went back and lunch time and nursed him (as I was planning to do when I returned to work) and sat in the rocking chair and sobbed again. It was one of the hardest days! Friday my husband had off (Good Friday) and we dropped him off and then went out to breakfast. We wound up springing the little guy out of there shortly after lunch. I couldn't leave him there any more when we were home. I was so sad! Monday we had the day off to go to a baseball game and Tuesday was the real deal, my first day of leaving him and going to work. I am SO glad it was suggested to me to leave him a few days before going to work. Oh, my gosh! I barely cried at all on Tuesday whereas on Thursday I sobbed! I can't imagine if I had gone to work like that. Now there is the chance I wouldn't have cried if I was at work but I would not put money on it. I had a few days to see he would be OK and survive without me before having to concentrate on work! Going back to work was both weird and familiar. In some ways it was like I never left, never had an almost six-month break. In other ways it felt weird. The dread of returning to work was definitely worse than the reality, thank God for that. He does not take a bottle very well. They can get him to take a little bit in the morning and then again in the afternoon. I nurse him at lunch and when I get home from work I just sit and nurse him on the couch for awhile. He knows what he wants! And a bottle is not it. I say he drinks just enough to survive and that's it.

April Update & The End of My Maternity Leave

The long-dreaded night is here. Tomorrow I will be taking my boy to day care and leaving him there for the first time. I am really upset and emotional and just trying to talk myself through it. I am not actually returning to work until Tuesday but I thought we would do a few "dress rehearsals." Besides missing him, obviously, my main concern is that he will not take a bottle. I'm really nervous about this. I feel like I failed somehow. He had bottles the first four days of his life and then on and off til the end of January. He started refusing and I couldn't get him to take one since then. He screams. It is very upsetting for us both.

Other than that I think things will be OK. We visited last Friday and again on Monday just so he could get used to being there and he met the other boys in his "class." I dropped the diapers and wipes off on Monday so now tomorrow I just have to put his crib sheet on and take all the normal weekly and daily items (changes of clothes, tuition check, bottles, milk, pacifier).

I am so nervous about getting us out of the house every morning with all our stuff. I just know I'm going to forget something. Once I start work again I'll have to remember my work bag, breastpump, and my food for the day in addition to his stuff. It's a lot to remember early in the morning.

I have been so enjoying this age. He giggles a lot. He shrieks (cute for a little while anyway, ha ha). He smiles tons. He blows raspberries. He grabs his feet. He is just adorable. Tonight I caught him looking at his daddy and just smiling from the other end of the couch.

My maternity leave was so long, it sort of felt like it might never end. But 25 weeks have passed and the next one will have passed in the blink of an eye. I think we did a good amount of fun things. We went to three matinees (two specifically for moms and babies). We went to La Leche League meetings, support groups at the Breastfeeding Resource Center, a couple of playdates. We also started chiropractic care which was three days per week for me and he came along to all of them but only was adjusted once per week. He has just been my little sidekick for so long now. I'm not going to know what to do without him.

My hope and prayer is still that I can go to part-time. I'd have to wait a few weeks anyway for my husband's full-time job to start. I have to remain full-time to carry health insurance for us but once he gets his on April 23rd we can switch to his I hope.

I hired a cleaning lady and she starts this Saturday. If I have to work full-time (or even most of the time) I do not want to spend the few precious hours I have with my son working around the house. I want to spend quality time with him. I'm so excited to have the house all clean. Good-bye, dust bunnies!

Learning new things!

The little man is growing so quickly! His latest things this week are: 1) blowing "raspberries" and then laughing at himself. He drools all over so I often have him in bibs! And 2) grabbing his feet and pulling his socks off! It's so cute!

We have his four-month check-up in just a few days. I'm curious to see what he weighs. On the baby scale my sister lent me he is showing up at 19 pounds.

He also rolled over for the first time two weeks ago at 15 weeks old. He just did it once though and as of yet, has not completely rolled over again. I guess it wasn't that fun!

He charms everyone everywhere we go. He smiles and coos and laughs. Tonight we were in Crazy 8 and I bought him two new pairs of pajamas and as I was checking out he started squealing in excitement. I said, "Are you excited about your new pajamas?" Ha ha, he is so funny!

I only have less than three weeks with him full-time now before he starts day care. Every time I think of it I start to cry. It is going to be so so tough to leave him there and go to work. Everyone says it will be harder on me than it is on him but it's hard to remember and believe that!

Update

It's already been a year since we found out our baby was on the way! Ever since I got out of high school it seems time goes by so quickly. But I have to say this last year must be the fastest ever! It really seems like I was just running out to the store to buy the little baseball shirt to give to my husband to tell him the exciting news and now it's over a year already.

Our little guy continues to bring so much joy to our lives. He babbles and coos and grins and laughs. He makes me smile. He is fussier than normal since he's teething but he is still a very good baby. My favorite time of day is when he first wakes and is just all smiles. I bring him into bed with me and nurse him and then we stay there for awhile. I am in no hurry for him to move to his own room. He is still in the Rock 'n Play Sleeper and I will keep him in there as long as possible. We actually sold the cosleeper bassinet on Saturday. I was not too attached to it. We had bought it used, only used it for about 4.5 weeks (when we got home until he was about 5 weeks) and then it was basically just a changing table for awhile. I did not like how it took up ALL the room between my bed and the wall (width) and blocked my nightstand. I kept bumping my incision on it as it was the exact level my incision was.

I am doing my best to fill out his baby book but sometimes I am just at a loss. For instance there is a space to write down when baby discovers hands and feet. Well, he has been sucking on his thumb since he was just a day or two old. Now he has abandoned his thumb and shoves the whole hand in there as many fingers as he can get until he gags himself. Is that discovering his hands? I don't know. As for his feet he has definitely been looking at them before but he hasn't grabbed for them yet that I recall. I'm trying not to make myself crazy with having this perfect baby book but it's hard. He is my first and I hold myself to this high standard! Except for the "baby's firsts" page I think I'm doing a good job.

I started cloth diapering part-time last week. I bought 10 diapers from Just Simply Baby. I really like them so far! He leaked (pee) out of one which I found odd. I'm going to make note of that one next time he wears it as I'm wondering if it might be defective. It was during the day and he'd only been wearing it a short time. He has worn them overnight and he has pooped in them and all the others have held everything in so it was odd to me that that one could leak. He looks so cute in them too! I am thinking of buying about 20 more. I also just switched to Target disposables. A huge box arrived yesterday. I had some in size 1 from the baby shower and they worked great. Mostly we were using Huggies and we only recently were getting to the point where we needed to buy them as we'd received so many as gifts. So far all we bought was a 33-pack of newborns that he used immediately (even though in the hospital they put size 1s on him right away), and then we bought the big packs of 2s and 3s in the Pure & Natural and we've used the 2s so far. And now I just bought a 96-pack of size 2s of Target's brand. Other than some size 3 Huggies in the denim design and some size 3 Huggies our shower stash is gone. It lasted us a good two months though, maybe longer, so that was great! And now with using cloth part-time I should not have to buy so many.

Today we went to a new chiropractor. It is right down the street so I put him in the stroller and off we went. Going there was downhill so it was easy. Coming home was harder since I was pushing up the hill. I made it though. Ha ha. We had a 4:00 appointment so I arrived around 3:50 to fill out paperwork. It was a complicated process. We met with one woman, and then we met with the chiropractor who examined the baby and did a sort of examination on me (watched my posture, felt my spine, etc.), and then he left and the woman examined me further and X-rayed my neck. They wouldn't X-ray anything else since I am breastfeeding. I did not even get an adjustment though and I'm hurting! And we were there til 5:30! I go back Monday for my results. Who knows if we'll get adjustments then though? I picked this chiropractor for two reasons. 1) It's down the street. 2) It's in network. Then I find out today as of March 1, they'll no longer be in network with my insurance company. What a bummer!

February...flying by!

What a busy month! Our little guy had his first Super Bowl, first Valentine's Day, and his mommy's birthday - his first here to celebrate! Last year he had just been conceived on my birthday!

I'm still so emotional about the fact I actually have a living breathing son after our battle with infertility and the trauma of his birth! At the La Leche League meeting last week (my first day one) which happened to fall on Valentine's Day we were asked to say what we'd say in a Valentine to our babies. To my embarrassment, I started bawling! I said that I'd tell him he was the greatest thing that ever happened and then I just cried while choking out that last year I wasn't even sure I could have a baby and we were going through fertility treatment - to a roomful of strangers! I wanted to die! Why did I have to keep babbling? Oh, well, I'm human and more specifically I'm a woman still in the postpartum stage and I hope they can all handle that. Some of them needed tissues too!

For Valentine's Day the three of us just stayed in. My hubby got me a card and also a card from our son. It was so adorable! He got me flowers and Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume (smells great!). We cooked a steak and lobster dinner at home.

For my birthday we went out to dinner. (I also went out to lunch with my son and two friends from work.) Hubby got me more cards and more flowers and a Kindle Fire! I'm so excited!

I only have six weeks left with my little guy full-time and I'm quite sad about it but really working on not dwelling on that! I do not get much done around the house. I'm keeping up on the laundry and I vacuum and clean the bathrooms but not much else. My husband does the dishes in case you are picturing a sink full of dishes. Well, to be precise, I should say he loads the dishwasher. I hand-wash anything that needs handwashing, which is my breastpump parts and bottles. Last week it was also a mandoline slicer which I sliced my finger on while cleaning! Ouch! It's the pointer ringer right next to the middle finger which I cut on the same tool a little over two years ago!

I'm having second thoughts about the daycare I chose but I'm thinking I'm just getting jittery since it's getting closer and I'm filled with anxiety about leaving my baby boy there! We stopped by on Monday. My husband had never been there; I chose it myself. Well, he had input on the money part! It was one of the less expensive one I saw, maybe the least expensive and it's still $221/week! There was one little boy about 13 months old crawling around with no pants and only one shoe and one sock. It really bothered me! He did take them off himself according to the teacher but she never attempted to put them back on the whole time we were there. I am going to pay extra for the web cam access. If I don't like what I see I will be calling!

Breastfeeding

For awhile now (I'd say at least a month, but probably longer, maybe even since we brought him home) my little guy has a pretty alert period for a few hours before bed, starting at 10:00 or 11:00 p.m. I used to call it his fussy period but now I'm realizing he isn't really fussy during this time, just very alert. He usually doesn't settle down til 1:00 a.m. or later. Well, yesterday I was just exhausted. I felt I'd never make it til 2:00 a.m. At 10:00 p.m. I finished nursing him and put him in his Rock 'n Play sleeper. He was all smiles and wide awake.

When he was six weeks old I had started sleep training him, putting him down when he was drowsy but still awake. I don't take a lot of parenting advice from people especially when it's unsolicited (I'm stubborn) or from people I don't necessarily think are the greatest parents (ha ha!). But my postpartum doula and my sister had both told me different stories that made me want to do this. My postpartum doula had said that her little one nursed to sleep until she was quite old and I asked if that was a problem and she said it was. And now I don't remember what she said. Then I told my sister after I had been doing the sleep training for awhile that I would put my son down when he was drowsy but still awake and she said she did the same, she never let them nurse to sleep because she had seen too many of her friends have babies that would only nurse to sleep, and then if Mom couldn't be there for some reason, there was a problem. I wasn't sure if sleep training was "mean" but I feel I'm doing it in a kind way. If he has a legitimate issue, I will pick him up. If he seemed hungry still or if he needed a new diaper, I would not just leave him there. I don't believe in "crying it out." I stay right there with him for the most part. I will tidy up the bedroom or go in the bathroom (next room over) and wash my face and brush my teeth. I do not pick him up though unless, as I said, he has a real problem. He will sometimes fuss a bit and I give him a pacifier when he does this and I gently rock the RnP. And he always drifts right off to sleep.

So last night I was very tired. At 10:00 p.m. I was ready for sleep! I put him in there and he was happy but he did not look at all tired. I put on his "Frankie the Frog" (which has a heartbeat tone and lights), gave him a pacifier, turned off the lamp, and rocked him gently. He took an hour but he finally fell asleep.

This morning I woke up to my husband's alarm, something I haven't done for weeks since I'm usually so exhausted then, at 6:45. I felt wide awake and refreshed! I woke up my husband and my son was still sleeping away. I finally woke him at 7:40 because even though he didn't seem hungry, Mama needed him to eat!! (I was very full and it was getting uncomfortable.) He nursed but still seemed drowsy. I changed him and got my shower and nursed him again. I was all dressed and ready by 9:30 a.m.! It felt great and it was certainly a first. Next week I have a quite a few activities lined up (such a moms' meeting, an LLL meeting, and a moms matinee, which is a movie you can take your baby to without worry crying will disturb the other patrons because the other patrons are all mommies with babies too!) but this week I couldn't think of anything. I checked out the schedule for a local breastfeeding support center though and it just so happened that their support group was today so I went to that! I hadn't been there since I was about 37 weeks pregnant.

I am so blessed that breastfeeding is going so well. So many women really struggle with it, with supply issues, pain issues, latch issues, etc. And I know I'm extra lucky because I had a C-section and I know that can really hinder breastfeeding, not to mention I have PCOS which seems to cause supply issues for so many. I feel like the Universe decided to just give me successful breastfeeding since conception and birth did not come easy to me. (Pregnancy was great though and labor was OK until everything went wrong!) I don't think I'm depressed but I still find myself crying when I think about the labor and the birth and how things went. I feel like I cheated...and was cheated. I have to keep centering myself again and remembering just the sweet relief I felt when I heard my son's cries and knew he was all right. Right then I knew I had made the best decision I could have in that moment, not that I ever felt I made that decision. I just remember a doctor saying "C-section" and I nodded. I don't think they were really giving me an option at that point, at least not making it clear I had an option, and things were happening so quickly that it just felt like the next right step. If I learned one thing while giving birth, it was that everything changes and you can't really make plans. If I ever have another baby and write a birth plan, I think it will feel really silly to call it a plan. Plans change. Reality happens. I keep thinking of that saying, "We make plans and God laughs." I just keep trying to remember all this but I replay the events of those days (the day I was in labor, the day he was born, and the days after) over and over in my head. I don't recall a lot after he was born. I was so tired and I think the meds did not help. But my friend had a baby 8 days ago and I just read a lovely birth story and they just remind me of how mine did not go well and the tears start flowing!

So I am just super grateful that breastfeeding is going so well. I put my son on the scale while I was at the center and he was 16 pounds, 10 ounces. I do not count that as his official weight since he was fully clothed. Then I nursed him for 7 minutes and put him back on the scale and he was 16 pounds, 13.5 ounces! So I could tell he got 3.5 ounces in a feeding. I thought it was cool to have that knowledge. I always wonder how much he is getting! I can see how much I pump in a certain amount of time but that varies throughout the day. Hmm, I just realized though, that is liquid ounces and and the scale was weight. Ha ha, blond moment! But I think that is how lactation consultants figure if the baby is getting enough by weighing before and after a feeding so I'm not completely off base, nor I was the only mom there that did it. And my boy got 3.5 ounces in 7 minutes. Another baby got 4 ounces in 40 minutes. She is 5 weeks younger though so maybe he is just more efficient now in getting the milk out.

Teething...already?

I think my boy might be teething already. He has been gnawing on his fists for a few days now and today he was just very very fussy all day, not like him at all. We gave him some Tylenol and he has been sleeping a lot since then. I hope he doesn't get teeth too soon but I don't ant him to be suffering like this for months on end either.

Laughing and babbling!

My baby boy is cracking up right now at his mobile on the swing. It is so cute to see. For awhile now he has been getting excited about things, so excited I think he is going to fly away. The arms and legs start flapping and he looks like he is swimming or flying!

I have not yet written down in his baby book that he is cooing since my mom said it actually sounds like they say "coo." I have not heard that yet though. I hope his babbling isn't actually cooing and I missed the boat. I would have no idea now what date or age to write down. And that makes me sad. He has been doing it at least a few weeks now.

I enjoy every moment with this little guy. Each morning I wake up and nurse him. He is my alarm clock, wakes me up with some little cries (he is a low crier, such a sweet sound). Then I change his diaper and as soon as I lie him down to do that he is just all ear-splitting grins. It's like he is so happy his wet diaper is coming off. He mostly sleeps about six hours every night. Last week after his shots when he wasn't feeling so good he was sleeping past 8:00 a.m. but now he is back to sleeping until about 7:00 or so. I bring him into bed with me and that is my favorite part of the day, cuddles with my boy! I would love to co-sleep all the time but I'm a little nervous about it and he is right next to me in his rock 'n play sleeper and I do bring him in once my hubby gets up for work.

I did wind up calling the doctor the day after my last post and she said it sounded like a normal reaction to the shots but if he did not get better to call and bring him in Friday morning. He got the shots on Monday and pretty much slept or cried all day Tuesday and Wednesday. As Thursday wore on, he seemed more like his old self.

I had been starting to bathe him every other day but I got nervous that was too often for his skin. I talked to someone whose baby is about 10 weeks older and she said she was doing twice a week and just moved to every three days just a few weeks ago so now I bathe him twice a week. I wipe him down really well in between with wipes. He always looks slightly startled when I clean him with those. I warm them in my hands first but I guess they are still too cold. I warm up the lotion in my hands too. Ahh, I just switched to Baby Magic and I love the scent so much more than Johnson's. Ir is such a nice smell!

In nine weeks he will be starting at his day care. That makes me so sad. I try not to dwell on it and just focus on the time we do have together. I have absolutely no desire to go back to work. Someone mentioned adult conversation and I said that did not matter to me. I always thought I was a career woman but I am just so sad. I keep saying to my husband, "Are you sure I have to go back?" Besides the money and benefits, the only thing good I can think about going back to work is getting back into a routine. Right now we are staying up late and waking up late. During the day I have a hard tine focusing and getting things done. I'm mostly just focused on my little guy. He is a full-time job.

I finally got around to ordering his newborn pictures that were taken two months ago! I needed MS Word to do it and our desktop computer died before Christmas. I was able to view the pictures and get what I needed to order our Christmas cards but I never could access Word on my netbook. My husband bought a new computer before Christmas and has been working on it for awhile. I finally just got on the computer for the first time and ordered the pictures. He has since had his picture taken at six weeks on January 3 by a photographer who came to the house. I still haven't seen those pictures yet. Some woman is supposed to come to the house to show us the pictures and we keep having scheduling issues. And I took him to Sears on January 19 to attempt to get a better "mommy & baby" picture since I didn't really love the one I got from the newborn photographer. I was strong and stuck to my guns and ordered only the "free collage." When I picked them up on Monday though they had three more prints in the envelope and offered them to be for $5 for one, $10 for two, or $13 for all three. Of course, sucker that I am, I bought all three. One was a calendar and I thought my husband would like it for his desk but he already has two calendars on his desk. Oh, well. I am planning to get his picture taken at three, six, and nine months as well. I will probably go to JC Penney for those. But I might do Valentine's Day as well, maybe at Picture People or back to Sears. Yes, I'm picture crazy!

Two months old!

Our little guy was two months old last Thursday! I took him for his two-month check-up on Monday and he weighed in at 15 pounds, 9 ounces. He was 26" long and his head circumference was 16". He is definitely a big boy. The doctor did not say what his percentile was but from what I can find online he is greater than the 95th for height and weight. His head is in the 50th so we know he did not inherit his mama's huge head! The doctor said keep breastfeeding him until the next appointment, when he is four months. I hope she doesn't tell me he needs to start eating regular food at four months. I'm not sure what she meant by that.

He received four shots that day too. Let me tell you that was VERY hard for me as well as him. I did not even want to vaccinate him and here I am there, the one signing off on his shots and watching while he screams and some blood is drawn on his pudgy little leg. When my husband got home that night he was shocked that he had four shots in one day. I had tried to talk to him about following the delayed schedule and now he is saying maybe they could spread them apart some. That is what I was trying to say all along! Oh, well.

He stopped crying after a bit and we went home and he was fine for a few hours and then started SCREAMING for hours. We gave him some grape-flavored baby Tylenol and he started babbling and smiling shortly after for the rest of the night.

However, I am a little worried about the baby now. He has slept A LOT yesterday and today. He slept past his normal wake-up time and he has pretty much slept most of the day (both days). He nurses but falls asleep a few minutes in. And he has taken some really long naps. He does smile some when he is awake but mostly he fusses and when I hold him facing me he beats at my chest with his fists. I know something is bothering him; I just don't know what. If it's more of the same tomorrow I'm definitely calling the doctor. I hate to see my little guy out of sorts. We took his temperature and that seems to be fine.

Christmas & New Year's!

Our little boy has been through his first holiday season already - Thanksgiving at five days old, Christmas at five weeks (and one day) old, and New Year's at six weeks (and one day old). A friend of mine bought him an adorable 4-pack of bibs for baby's first holidays - baby's first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year, respectively. I remembered when he was 5 days old to dig out the Thanksgiving one but totally forgot at Christmastime. :( I did put his New Year bib on him yesterday though. Now I will have to remember the Halloween one when he is almost a year old. Speaking of Halloween, I cannot wait to pick out his first costume! He is going to be so cute.

We spent the day of Christmas Eve with my parents, youngest sister, my oldest sister and her husband and three kids, and my brother and his wife. We were running late, which is nothing new these days with a newborn, but were able to spend about five hours with my family (and we did get there before my brother and his wife, who had to work, so we really didn't miss much) and exchange gifts with my sister and her family before heading off to my husband's aunt's house. She has the traditional "seven fishes" meal each Christmas Eve. Each year there are fewer people there, which is sad. I know my husband really looks forward to it and we spend most holidays with my family so I make sure we always get to his aunt's. Christmas Day we spent the morning and afternoon at home and then we headed to his mom's house, where we exchanged gifts with his mom and brother, and then we went to my parents'. We always go there Sunday for dinner anyway, as do my brother and his wife, and this Sunday we exchanged gifts with my parents and youngest sister.

For New Year's Eve, we made reservations at the same place as we did last year, and we had a surf 'n turf meal. Yesterday (since it was Sunday again) we went to my parents' again. Our baby was fussier than normal yesterday. My mom thinks he was gassy. I'm not sure but I hate to see him upset.

Up until two nights ago he was sleeping in an Arm's Reach co-sleeper bassinet. I bought it used back in the summer. I'm glad I didn't buy it new since I'm not sure it's a good fit for us. Our first few nights home from the hospital he cried every time I put him in there. Then I started swaddling him and rocking and/or nursing him to sleep and then I'd put him in there and he'd stay for a bit. Once we got to 3.5 weeks and he was sleeping through the night it seemed like it was working better for him. But for me it was not really. First it was taking up all the available space between my side of the bed and the wall (widthwise) and all the space between my nightstand and the door (lengthwise). I was constantly bumping into it and it was lining up right by the C-section incision. Ouch. I was repeatedly hitting it. So we got the Fisher-Price Rock 'n Play Sleeper. I am not sure he likes it yet or not.