Happy First Birthday!

What a bittersweet day. I now have a one-year-old! I will update with his latest milestones. He took a few steps on Friday (11/16) but is not walking steadily yet, which is just fine! He has six teeth now, four up top and two down the bottom. He got all the top ones in October. Busy month!

One less than exciting new thing he is doing is throwing tantrums. S calls it flopping like a fish but N will just throw his head back and flop back wherever he is. He doesn't care if there is only a hard floor underneath him or worse, a table behind him. I keep having to do diving catches so he doesn't injure himself.

We had his party on the 11th, a bit early. He was so cute with his cake. He took polite tentative little swipes of icing and then finally grabbed a fistful and went to town. We had a rubber ducky theme; everything was aqua and yellow. He got a lot of nice gifts and a good chunk of money which I deposited right into his savings account. I joked how he has almost as much money at a year old as I did at 18 years old! I'm really not joking though. I only had about $300 and he has over $250!

Here is a letter I wrote to my wonderful baby on his first birthday:

My precious son, I can hardly believe you are a year old already. This was quite possibly the fastest year of my life. I long awaited the day I'd become a mother and now that I have a year under my belt, the experience has not disappointed; in fact, it has far exceeded any ideas I had about the experience. It has been challenging at times, of course, but mostly it has been amazing and so rewarding. Going from holding an innocent helpless newborn to watching a little boy zooming around a room and hearing him "talk" and watching him learn is such a rewarding journey.

You love music. I find you dancing (bouncing) along to songs. And you seem to be drawn to books the same way I am. I hope you will discover the joy of getting lost in a book; it is one of my favorite pastimes. You love to laugh. I like to be silly with you, bouncing things on my head or picking things up with my toes; you think I'm hilarious. Your giggles are the sweetest sound I've ever heard, okay, maybe second to hearing your cry for the first time, which brought a feeling of such relief that you were finally here and going to be just fine! I went through so much to bring you into this world and I would do it all over again a million times to ensure your safe arrival. Your birth went quite differently than I planned. I pictured welcoming you into the world either in water or on our bed. Instead you were born in a cold operating room. It didn't matter to me that day; I just wanted you to be OK. It took months for the grief to hit me, to realize how grieved I was, to see how "sterile" and "cold" your entrance into the world was when I wanted it to be warm and real. You seem completely unaffected by it, and for that, I'm so grateful. I am sorry I couldn't have your entrance be a more peaceful one; I'm sorry every day. But you're good, so good. And I'm doing all right. Your father has had to hold me many a night while I sobbed for what I missed. I will not call the birth horrible though; it brought you to me and there is nothing horrible about that. You are my sunshine.

It appears I am your favorite person in the world and wow, does that feel good. You are definitely a Mama's boy. You are so handsome; I finally see your daddy in your face. When your eyes are closed or when I see you from the side profile that is when I see your daddy. You sure shocked us by having blue eyes! They are such a beautiful blue. I have always loved blue eyes but never imagined I'd have a blue-eyed child. You are full of surprises. You are so smart and determined. You do not let obstacles stop you from getting what you want; I've been told I am raising a strong-willed child. And I do not disagree. But you are so sweet. You love to cuddle. You love to find your way onto my lap as you've found your way into my heart.

Leaving you when I had to return to work was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart behind. Watching your little personality develop at school and seeing how much you learn and how you are making friends helps ease that for me. I know it is good for you to have your independence. We get lots of quality time together on the weekends and evenings. And it is important for you to have strong role models in your life and I hope I am that for you as I balance motherhood (my most important job!) with my career.

I took your picture quite often. I took monthly pictures with stickers for your Onesies and then almost every Saturday I took a weekly picture. Wow, was that a challenge by the end of your first year. You did not want to sit still for even 10 seconds. I think we did a good job capturing most of your milestones on film. I will enjoy looking back at these pictures in the years to come and I hope you enjoy them too. It is sweet to see you go from lying to sitting to standing, from being toothless to having six teeth, to having a good amount of hair to having tons of hair (we say that you are "blessed in the hair department").

I have to be careful not to dwell on missing the newborn days. They were special, getting to know you, being so proud that this adorable boy was mine, watching your dreamy smiles and your milky smiles, holding you close. But now you are just this awesome little person who makes me laugh every day. I have so many hopes and dreams for your future but most of all I just want you to know how much you are loved. You've brought so much joy to our lives; we will never be the same!

With all my love,
 Mama

Birthday month has arrived!

This is going to be a big month! Our baby boy N is turning one! I am pretty sure this was the quickest year of my life. Each day for the last few weeks I think, "Last year on this day I..." On October 1, I was remembering my baby shower. Columbus Day weekend we were back down the shore where last year on that weekend I realized I'd no longer just be an aunt to children (was with my nephews and niece) but that soon (the next time I saw them) I'd be somebody else's mom! (I was actually teary-eyed leaving the shore last year.) October 11 was the one-year anniversary of my last day of work and October 12 was the one-year anniversary of the start of my maternity leave. Then on our fourth wedding anniversary I recalled our last anniversary, our third, where I had contractions ALL THROUGH DINNER. I thought the baby was coming soon! Ha, he showed me. I went into labor exactly one month after our anniversary. Now that November is here I am just blown away. I don't have a baby anymore. I have a little boy! He is so sweet. He continues to be a snuggler and a real Mama's boy. I am his favorite person in the world, as it should be. He has some separation anxiety when I drop him off in the morning but I discovered if I put him right into a high chair with his buddy G and he gets to start eating breakfast (bagels or pancakes or biscuits, etc.) he just watches me leave with no tears. Whew! It was really hard leaving before that because he'd come crying and crawling after me and that image would be stuck in my head the rest of the day and I'd feel so guilty. Meanwhile, he'd be fine in a minute or two. G's mom sent me a text one day to tell me she saw him smiling on her way out, which was probably a minute after I left so I know the tears don't last long, but it's hard for my heart to understand that. It is so much easier to leave when he has this, "Bye, Mom, I've got G and breakfast" look on his face. Speaking of G, N had his first playdate with G on 10/20 at G's house. They were cute together, of course both wanting the toy the other one has at all times. I heard a funny story about N at school too. Awhile back I heard that G taught N to go around to the cribs and bang on them to wake the sleeping babies! Ha ha! Well, one day a new teacher told me how G and N (11 days apart) are "two peas in a pod." She said G fell asleep and N went and sat beside his crib for awhile and then started banging on it (guess he wanted his buddy to play!). How cute is that? He is not walking but he seems like he could if he wanted to. He can freely stand without holding on but he usually quickly drops to a crawl or holds on to a chair or table or whatever is available. I thought he'd be walking by now because he's been cruising for months but I know he'll be even harder to keep up with once he does. We are planning his party for 11/11, eight days early but that is just how the scheduling worked out. I don't quite feel prepared enough. I am guessing we have about 35-40 people at this point but I don't have a final count yet. For his birthday we got him the cutest little chair and ottoman that pretty closely matches our living room furniture. He has already seen it and he mostly uses it as a stepping stool to get to the end table and to grab whatever is on there. He continues to be fascinated by paper products. He LOVES to grab a circular, napkin, power towel, piece of paper, etc. and just rip it to shreds. I catch him trying to eat it too. All things must be tasted! Then when it comes to real food he often throws it. I was having a somewhat rough time trying to get him to eat meat. He would just toss it without even tasting it. Tonight his dad handed him a piece of lamb from his gyro and to my surprise and delight (even though I do not eat lamb or veal for that matter) N chowed down on the lamb. Then I gave him some of my pot roast (we were at a diner) and he ate that too. This was just minutes after throwing a hard-boiled egg and a peach slice. Meat is what is important at this age anyway so I'm very happy. For Halloween he dressed up as a monster. He got quite a lot of mileage out of his costume. Hurricane Sandy whipped through here Monday and trick-or-treating was postponed in our area on Wednesday so we went tonight. But he got to wear his costume to Boo at the Zoo last Saturday (his second trip to zoo!) and to daycare on Wednesday. We took him to my parents' on Sunday and to my MIL's tonight in costume as well. He looked quite adorable. And coincidentally G's mom bought him the same costume so they matched at school! He is working on tooth #5 and I think tooth #6 right now. It is really hard to get in there to see! Hubby texted me the other day that he had five teeth and I was surprised! I hadn't seen it just the day before. They take awhile to get all the way in though that is for sure. He started blowing raspberries again yesterday; they are quite amusing to me because I can't do one to save my life! I don't remember when but he stopped growling some months back; that was funny too! My boy sure makes me laugh...and smile.