Happy First Birthday!

What a bittersweet day. I now have a one-year-old! I will update with his latest milestones. He took a few steps on Friday (11/16) but is not walking steadily yet, which is just fine! He has six teeth now, four up top and two down the bottom. He got all the top ones in October. Busy month!

One less than exciting new thing he is doing is throwing tantrums. S calls it flopping like a fish but N will just throw his head back and flop back wherever he is. He doesn't care if there is only a hard floor underneath him or worse, a table behind him. I keep having to do diving catches so he doesn't injure himself.

We had his party on the 11th, a bit early. He was so cute with his cake. He took polite tentative little swipes of icing and then finally grabbed a fistful and went to town. We had a rubber ducky theme; everything was aqua and yellow. He got a lot of nice gifts and a good chunk of money which I deposited right into his savings account. I joked how he has almost as much money at a year old as I did at 18 years old! I'm really not joking though. I only had about $300 and he has over $250!

Here is a letter I wrote to my wonderful baby on his first birthday:

My precious son, I can hardly believe you are a year old already. This was quite possibly the fastest year of my life. I long awaited the day I'd become a mother and now that I have a year under my belt, the experience has not disappointed; in fact, it has far exceeded any ideas I had about the experience. It has been challenging at times, of course, but mostly it has been amazing and so rewarding. Going from holding an innocent helpless newborn to watching a little boy zooming around a room and hearing him "talk" and watching him learn is such a rewarding journey.

You love music. I find you dancing (bouncing) along to songs. And you seem to be drawn to books the same way I am. I hope you will discover the joy of getting lost in a book; it is one of my favorite pastimes. You love to laugh. I like to be silly with you, bouncing things on my head or picking things up with my toes; you think I'm hilarious. Your giggles are the sweetest sound I've ever heard, okay, maybe second to hearing your cry for the first time, which brought a feeling of such relief that you were finally here and going to be just fine! I went through so much to bring you into this world and I would do it all over again a million times to ensure your safe arrival. Your birth went quite differently than I planned. I pictured welcoming you into the world either in water or on our bed. Instead you were born in a cold operating room. It didn't matter to me that day; I just wanted you to be OK. It took months for the grief to hit me, to realize how grieved I was, to see how "sterile" and "cold" your entrance into the world was when I wanted it to be warm and real. You seem completely unaffected by it, and for that, I'm so grateful. I am sorry I couldn't have your entrance be a more peaceful one; I'm sorry every day. But you're good, so good. And I'm doing all right. Your father has had to hold me many a night while I sobbed for what I missed. I will not call the birth horrible though; it brought you to me and there is nothing horrible about that. You are my sunshine.

It appears I am your favorite person in the world and wow, does that feel good. You are definitely a Mama's boy. You are so handsome; I finally see your daddy in your face. When your eyes are closed or when I see you from the side profile that is when I see your daddy. You sure shocked us by having blue eyes! They are such a beautiful blue. I have always loved blue eyes but never imagined I'd have a blue-eyed child. You are full of surprises. You are so smart and determined. You do not let obstacles stop you from getting what you want; I've been told I am raising a strong-willed child. And I do not disagree. But you are so sweet. You love to cuddle. You love to find your way onto my lap as you've found your way into my heart.

Leaving you when I had to return to work was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart behind. Watching your little personality develop at school and seeing how much you learn and how you are making friends helps ease that for me. I know it is good for you to have your independence. We get lots of quality time together on the weekends and evenings. And it is important for you to have strong role models in your life and I hope I am that for you as I balance motherhood (my most important job!) with my career.

I took your picture quite often. I took monthly pictures with stickers for your Onesies and then almost every Saturday I took a weekly picture. Wow, was that a challenge by the end of your first year. You did not want to sit still for even 10 seconds. I think we did a good job capturing most of your milestones on film. I will enjoy looking back at these pictures in the years to come and I hope you enjoy them too. It is sweet to see you go from lying to sitting to standing, from being toothless to having six teeth, to having a good amount of hair to having tons of hair (we say that you are "blessed in the hair department").

I have to be careful not to dwell on missing the newborn days. They were special, getting to know you, being so proud that this adorable boy was mine, watching your dreamy smiles and your milky smiles, holding you close. But now you are just this awesome little person who makes me laugh every day. I have so many hopes and dreams for your future but most of all I just want you to know how much you are loved. You've brought so much joy to our lives; we will never be the same!

With all my love,
 Mama